1 Love does not hurt.
Honestly this is a lesson carried on from the previous year, but unlearning things you believed in is a long process. But now I really do understand that love does not hurt and once it hurts - it's not love. I used to think that we need to persevere in love and it hurts because it's love... but I unlearned this toxic way last year (and still continue unlearning it). I still get confused at times, but now it's much easier for me to remind myself that actual, genuine, real love should be easy and light. There may be 'tests' - because we are talking about human connection/relationship here - but when it's right, it should be easy to overcome those tests. With my previous relationships (family, romantic, friendships), I have always felt the need to perform and try hard - to ensure the relationship will be okay. I realize now that I don't have to do that. That's not actual love.
Last year, I had a short crush on someone but unfortunately the person showed disinterest towards me. I gotta admit I was triggered a bit, my wound was slightly re-opened and the feeling sucked. Now if that had happened to the old me, I might have been very devastated and will outperform myself just to attract that person. I'd probably also blamed myself and questioned every wrong thing about me. But thankfully I no longer do that. Unlearning how to love in toxic ways does not equal to: not putting in effort. Because I did put in effort. For example I put in the initiative to contact/communicate and also arrange meetups. But when I realized I was the only one putting in effort and work, I no longer want to pursue him, dropped everything and lost interest at him.
I learned that I shouldn't be questioning myself, I understood someone's disinterest has nothing to do with me, that's all on them. And if we were meant to be, it would've been easy for me and someone to get together, but it wasn't. I now no longer want to love in a toxic way and I no longer want relationship that only subtract from my life. I want love and relationship that adds to my life - love and relationship that adds joy and not hurt.
2 Work and life balance is very important for me.
I realized for sure now that I no longer want to 'hustle' hard. I think I do very well at my job and I can pull off an all-nighter and weekend work, but I no longer want that. I applaud anyone who still have the drive and willingness to do so, but I think higher position and/or higher wage is no longer my goal.
I now realize the sweetness of sleeping on time at (maximum) 11 pm at night and then waking up at 5 am in the morning. Slow mornings with warm tea, wind down time at night with chilled wine and Korean drama is all so wonderful. I love all that and I find it very frustrating and annoying when my work disturb those quiet and slow moments. When it's disturbed, I feel like my life is out of balance. Which is why, I'd rather have a job that allows me to have time for all that, instead of one that offers me a high position/wage.
After 3 rather toxic job situation, I now know for sure what I want from a job, to help keep my life stay healthy and sane. So I really hope that in my 33rd year, I'm able to balance work and life much better.
3 God is good in every season.
Jesus is always good, no matter the circumstances. How fascinating is that? Despite being such a disappointment and an a$$, Jesus never leaves me. Instead, He does the opposite and kept saving me & my life. I've wanted to die since I was like 17 years old? and I've attempted to kill myself multiple times, yet He saved me every time and 16 years later here I am alive and well. I've also made so many disgusting decisions - that even I'm ashamed at myself... Yet God still allow good things to unfold in my life. He still allow me to live my 'lucky girl era' and shifted my life to betterment. I will forever be thankful for that.
I'm really glad I'm not as dumb as I used to be. I would be devastated and hate myself if I was still as dumb as I was. Now, I'm not saying I'm a total genius, but I'm navigating life much better and making better decisions - I'm very glad about that. Of course there are still parts of my life that I wish could be better, but I'll get there later. God will help me, like He always have.
Now, I'm not trying to make this a justification of all the wrong doing I've done. I'm sincerely thankful for God's goodness. And if He can do ALL those things when I've done so many wrong, imagine the things He will do this year as I'm trying to grow even better.
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Fingers crossed for the 33rd year!
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Thirty three
February 9, 2024
I wrote my last blog post exactly a year ago - when I turned thirty one. It's been a year since then and today is my birthday (again). Thirty two years old! Unbelievable. At least for me it is.
Struggling with mental health and su*cide, death is always lingering - it's very near to me. So every birthday is basically a checkpoint - to remind me or make me realize that... Hey, I made it through another year alive. I did not die (not yet, at least). Yes, I realized that might be a little bleak for other people, but for me it's actually an achievement worthy to celebrate. Do you know how hard it is not to succumb to your su*cidal thoughts? I deserve to appreciate myself for making it alive every year.
I'm genuinely glad I failed my attempt and I didn't die on my 30th year, for real. Because my 31st year was... AMAZING.
Despite the rough start of 2022, my 31st year was great. The healing and trauma processing may not be so fun, but I realized I HAD to make myself go through that. And it was because I chose to sit myself and process all that, that I was able to enjoy my 31st year to the fullest.
It was such a great year that there were multiple times I had to stop and give myself time to process things. My 29th and 30th year was such a shitty mess, it was hard to believe, even for myself, that I get to experience so much goodness on my 31st. I cried so many happy tears last year. Every single time I realized that I am no longer at the place I was at the year before and that I did a full 180 with my life... my heart felt so full that I had to make space by crying it out.
It's currently 2 am right now, so I haven't celebrated anything to start my 32nd year... But I'm praying and hoping that this year will be even, much more, better than last year.
Thirty two
February 8, 2023
It's February 9th, 2022 and it's been forever since the last time I logged in to this blog and wrote a post. The last two drafts I have lined up was written in July 2019 and September 2020 but I never posted those. So much have happened since 2016 (my last published post) and although I wished I had recorded my life in this blog as frequent as I used to, but we all know that did not happen.
I recently decided to login again because my head and heart is feeling troubled and although I barely do it these past few years, writing has always been a helpful way to help me sort my feelings and thoughts. So here I am, dusting off my keyboard, hoping to clear my head.
Now, I know I once wrote that I want to always try to share happiness through my writing... But a lot of things have happened in 6 years, so this post will be a somber one. Though I'm writing this post on my birthday, unfortunately this post is far from happy. Because lately my mind keeps taking me back to last year's birthday and I'm reminded of how I spent last year performing for someone's approval and attention, to only end up with that person breaking not only my heart but a lot of parts of me.
I've written so many sentences but I can't quite put everything together. My mind is so full and my heart is still hurting, so that's probably why I'm having hard time to put everything into words. I wanted to tell the whole story of my life lately, but that's hard to do. I want to write to that person, but I don't think any more words will do us any good. So maybe I'll try to just write to myself...
Thirty First
February 8, 2022
That was his last message to me.
2 days later... he went away.
4 years later, I still regret this.
4 years later, today... I'm staring at my phone screen... wishing he'd call.
It's been four years and I still regret that I couldn't say a proper goodbye to my dad. Although I don't think a proper goodbye will take away my grief, but I wish I had picked up his phone call 4 years ago. I wish I had said hello, or goodbye or I love you, or you know... just ANYTHING, any words, any sentence to him. Or maybe... I don't need to say any words. My words don't matter anyway. Maybe all I need is a chance to hear his voice before he went away. I'd give anything to hear his voice. Any words, any sentence from him. ANYTHING from him.
He just wanted to talk.
I just needed to pick up his phone call.
I need him gone, to realize...
that all I had to do was JUST to pick up my phone.
Like... seriously... that's all I had to do.
I have a secret.
February 14, 2017
February 14th this year will mark my dad's 3 years of passing away. It's 'sort of' better each year... I still miss him a lot and very much, but over the years I just get better at getting out of the mourning hole. His passing is like this one folder of gloom and mourning, and I have learned to keep the folder inside a drawer all the way on the back in my heart and I have learned not to visit the drawer often. But just recently, I realized I have never got the time to let my dad's passing to sink in and I never paid tribute to him properly. So I decided to pay a visit to the back and opened the drawer and pulled out few memories of my dad.
My dad visited Melbourne on 2011 with my mother. When he came back from the trip he showed me lots of photos he took on many tourist landmarks in Melbourne and he told me many stories about it also... including information about RMIT University. I never get to visit Melbourne with him, but I did decided to continue my postgraduate study in RMIT. I studied in Melbourne for 1,5 years and I finally finished my postgraduate study and recently graduated with master's degree last year on mid December. I spent an extra month to travel, pack and just rest before I have to go back to home country for good. Before I flew back home, I decided to reminisce my dad in a way that I could enjoy.
I looked up some photos of my parents' trip to Melbourne and chose several photos of my dad. I decided to go around few places in Melbourne and replicate his photos. I asked good friends of mine to help me take photos and travel with me. Here are few shots that we replicated:
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| University of Melbourne/Swanston st |
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| University of Melbourne |
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| Carlton Gardens |
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| Albert st/Nicholson St |
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| Parliament Garden |
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| Parliament Garden |
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| Hotel Windsor |
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| Old Treasury Building |
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| Treasury Place |
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| Treasury Place |
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| Treasury Place |
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| Old Treasury Place |
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| Old Treasury Place |
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| Old Treasury Place |
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| Old Treasury Place |
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| Federation Square (St. Paul's Cathedral in the back) |
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| Federation Square (Flinders Street Station in the back) |
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| Federation Square |
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| Federation Square |
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| Bourke St |
It was honestly very emotional for me to do this project. To see his photos again... Remembering his face and his awkward poses... reminded me of when he was still around. I managed not to cry though, which is something that don't really happen. Because even though I could be the strongest person, but I'm originally such a cry baby when it comes to my dad. I've been dealing with this matter and I learned that the reason that I always cry when it comes to my dad's passing was because I never let things sink in. I just let it pass and hope it'll go by. I'm probably 3 years late but I want to let his passing sink in within me and just let it be. To truly understand that it is okay for him to go.
I do various things to help me deal with this matter and one of them is learning to talk about it openly with people that are close to me. Talking out loud about it makes me feel better. I cry a lot the first time I read letter to my dad. Second time I talked about it with another person, I only had few drops of tears. It gets less and less burdening every time I share or talk about it. Sharing this in my blog is also one way to heal for me. It is a unique way to remember him, just as unique as his personality.
I'm thankful I have been given the chance to study abroad, and also thankful that it was in the last country/city my dad visited before he passed away. By doing this, I was able to experience what he had experienced... Traveled the places he went, walked the roads he walked, see the things he saw, and so on... Even though we both visited Melbourne in different times, I felt as if I was together with him at that particular moment and place through this project.
If you're going to take anything from this story of mine is that, do not wait until it's too late. I never knew I would lost my father that soon. I never really appreciate the times I traveled with him previously and I regret it. Go to places with your loved ones and live adventurous life together with them... Go to new places, try new activities, new foods, take photos, write them in journals... I kept thinking how wonderful it would have been, if my dad and I were on the same frame instead of separated...
Another lesson would be... you need to let things sink in. Be it grieving, achievements, breakups, etc... Let things sink in. And find ways that can help you process it. If you need to talk about, then find trusted person and talk about it. If you need to travel, then go! Travel and take time to ponder about things. Let the places you wander to change you and come back changed, renewed and stronger. Don't run from it or hide it. Because by doing that you're letting it imprisoned you.
And talking about it and letting it go, doesn't equal to forgetting about it. I'm trying to let go of my dad's passing, but I will forever remember him. He will always be a HUGE part of me, I am who I am because of him also. So to all of you... go on your pace, let things sink in, let go and hopefully you'll be able to smile as you reminisce.
Good Lcuk
January 17, 2016
I arrived in this metropolis with excitement to see the remnants of Ottoman Empire along with Turkish-style pattern painted on the walls and tiles of its Mosques, houses, restaurants, and other places around the city. This city is rich with culture, mostly due to the fact that it was the capital of two big empires in history. I saw the richness of the mixture of two different beliefs in one historical site which was Haggia Sophia. The building was first built to be used as a Cathedral, and later when the city was captured by the Ottomans, it was converted to a Mosque. After Turkey became an independent republic, it was finally decided to open the building as a museum, a witness of the great history of two large civilizations (Eastern Roman Empire and Ottoman Empire). The painting of Jesus on the wall of its dome and the Arabic calligraphy of Allah and Muhammad somehow amazed me when I was standing inside the massive museum, it could have been used as a symbol of multi-faith tolerance that we desperately need in the world. Aside from history lesson, what I really wanted to see next was the Grand Bazaar.
Opening days: Everyday
On a side note, can I just say how in LOVE I am with the colorful lanterns in Grand Bazaar? Every time I pass a stall that sells the lanterns, I feel like I'm in another world. They're so shiny, colorful and pretty. I didn't buy a lantern in the Grand Bazaar, but I'm glad I finally did buy one before I went home!
Another must visit historical site is the Sultan's Palace. Its official name is Topkapi Palace. Built in the 15th century, the palace is now open for visitors curious about how Sultans used to live. As I walked the front yard, the numerous flowers growing enticed my eyes... As a fan of flowers, I am delighted to be served with garden and flowers along the pathways. Once I entered, then I walked through the chamber where they used to welcome and entertain foreign emissaries. Then I walked further in towards the museum of Ottoman army artifacts, not a fan of war and army but as someone who has interest in fashion... They're battle outfit was far from the outfit soldiers these days. They were full of adornments, jewels, the threads were colorful, the details of the patterns... I find it very amusing. It was as if back then, for those soldiers their battle field was not merely for battle, but also their runway?
The most visited site within Topkapi Palace might be The Harem. The sultan built more than 400 rooms inside. Decorated with Turkish style pattern painted on each wall, I found myself staring up and down, left and right at those pattern for quite a while. They were mostly the shades of blue, turqouise and gold and they were also mixed with Islamic calligraphy. I spent time walking around the palace and wondered how much time and effort did they use to build this massive complex? I'm sure it was a thought that crossed every visitor's mind.
Topkapi Palace is an evidence of how rich Turkish art is. The whole place is decorated with different patterned tiles and rich in color. I'm so mesmerized by it, I might do one post especially dedicated to the various patterns I found while I was in Turkey.
Moving on... The inside walls of the mosque's domes are again painted with authentic Turkish patterns. Those who wanted to get inside the Mosque also had to take their shoes off and put them in plastic bags that they could carry inside, in respect to Islamic routines of not wearing shoes inside religious centers. So I would suggest to everyone planning on visiting the mosque to wear something easy to take off and wear again. A slip on shoe or a sandal would be ideal, boots and heels with lots of straps is not so ideal. And for the ladies, a head covering is a must when you enter the area of the mosque. It doesn't have to be a hijab; I simply wore a scarf and put it on top of my head.
To be honest there isn't much you can do inside other than seeing and admiring the architecture. But if you're muslim, you are more than welcome to pray inside the mosque. Because during prayer times the mosque could get really crowded and you'll end up praying on the outside area of the mosque, so this could be a chance to pray inside one of the famous mosque.
Unlike the three sites I´ve mentioned previously (except Hagia Sophia), the Basilica Cistern is one of the remnants of Byzantine Empire which used to rule Constantinople before the Ottomans came and later changed the name of the city to Istanbul. It was built in the 6th century with large pillars supporting the structure. I walked into the Cistern and felt the temperature inside was much cooler than outside, due to the fact that it was located underground. Inside, there were lots of pillars with two pillars that attracted most visitors. Those two had the face of Medusa supporting underneath it. At the entrance, there was a written explanation on a board of why the Cistern was built and the love triangle story of Medusa. (The story is ACTUALLY sad and tragic!) There is also the Crying column, where the pillar appears to be crying because it is wet. According to reports, the column was erected in memorial of the slaves who died during the construction of the Great Basilica.
Istanbul was overall an amazing city! I didn't expect much when I flew there, but if I did had expectation, it would still went over my expectation. The food was great, the people were nice and the weather was super nice while I was there. It all adds up and gave a memorable adventure. And yes... Istanbul is a HUGE area. (Well Turkey itself is a large country really) I have to go back there again and visit more places, there were so many places I wasn't able to tick off my list. Excuses, excuses... there's always excuses to travel right?
Will post on Goreme and Pamukkale experience also!
